18 weeks!

YESSSSSSS - I am SO excited to be 18 weeks. I think I'll be saying that every week now and it will get more and more exciting if that is possible. Last night was my first real "outing" while being pregnant (friend wise). We went to our friend's house for a party. It was awkward for me at first - after a while I knew I should no longer be standing but that's what everyone was doing, just standing outside. Luckily some people went inside so I didn't feel like a total outsider going in to sit down. When I sat down I felt the baby kicking and going wild in there! This is the first time I've felt him a multiple amount of times during such a short period. It was SO exciting. I just sat there in my own little world like it was just him and I in the room when the whole kitchen was full of people, some that were talking to me but I was so zoned out in my baby world that I had no idea what they were saying. I haven't felt him today so he must have been in just the right position but wow, if that is what's to come I can't wait!!! When I listen to him daily with my doppler he always seems to be SO active in there, I've only caught him sleeping a few times. I think he's gonna be a wild boy which I love little wild boys! Only 3 more days until our anatomy scan, I am so excited - a bit nervous but more excited than anything to watch him while they measure each and every part of his. My email update for this week said he is the size of a large red pepper. Ironic, because I have one red pepper that has an interesting story behind it. I went to a fruit stand the other day at this old couple's house. They were very sweet so I didn't object to chit-chat and cut her short like I normally do to long-winded strangers. When I was paying her, she gave me this red pepper. It was in rough shape, mostly black with just a small spot of red on one side . She told me this long story about some children's book and the meaning behind giving me this pepper. Basically saying although it wasn't perfect, if you give a little more to people, they will come back again. Her story does not connect to anything, it was just the imperfection of the pepper and the kind gesture that made me keep it. The pepper, now a few days old has just been sitting on the microwave untouched. I looked at it this morning and it is now a "normal" looking pepper, no more black spots - the whole thing is red and plump. A silly story but kind of similar to our baby - he just needed some time. His dark spots (nuchal fold) just needed a few more days to develop. He just needed us to give him more time. Makes me even more sure about our decision to not put him through the amnio. Each week he continues to prove that he is okay, and I just hope that these next tests prove that even further. I need to take a picture of that pepper and I. Funny, how something as simple as a vegetable could symbolize so much. This is the best feeling ever. It still amazes me every day how much love there is in me. I'm so proud of him, I can't wait to tell him that when I first meet him. I dream about that moment every day.

Exciting! 17 weeks

This week has been really exciting. Strangers are now noticing that I am pregnant! I am that girl that I have looked at and envied for years. - I just hope that my growing belly isn't hurting others and adding to their sadness. I know that feeling far too well. I'd be having a good day and see a happy pregnant woman, and be so sad because I longed for that more than anything. - Mike and I went and got pizza at a restaurant/bar nearby and it was after 8pm so they card you. I didn't bring my ID so I told the bouncer I won't be drinking when he asked for it. He looked at my belly and laughed and said oh ya I guess not. It was such a great moment. So petty to anyone else probably, and such a simple thing for him to say but HUGE to me. Just more proof that my dream is coming true. I love that I now only fit into maternity clothes and that anything I wear, you can tell I am pregnant - its the best feeling in the world...well until I hold my baby, I'm sure that will top all feelings of course. Then yesterday while getting coffee with my sister and the boys I got my first "pregnancy advice" comment. What I would normally find annoying I just sat back and smiled to myself. People you have no idea what I have been through to get here - the fact that I am "blushed and my neck is splotchy red" is really so irrelevant to me. I like it actually - just another sign that I have a little life inside me. And what you say - I'm gonna be like this until after I'm done nursing? Ask me if I care. Someone else today commented on how I "was expecting". I have a very short torso so I can see I will probably be huge in a few months...makes me so giddy. I'm still waiting for that magical moment when I feel him move! I swear I felt him the other day for a split second but nothing since then. I'm hoping I can start feeling him really soon. I can't wait for that! Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks. I still can't believe I am just 3 weeks away from 20 weeks, almost 1/2 way there! On one hand it seems like I've been pregnant for a long time but on the other hand it still seems like I am like 10 weeks. I have a Dr.'s appointment tomorrow which I am really anxious for. My ultrasound is first which I'm so pumped about, then I see the Dr. I have lots of questions for him...some of my restrictions were lifted - however when I do any standing for a length of time, bending, walking, etc. I get super crampy and my heart races. Then I had some spotting earlier this week - luckily brown so I didn't freak out. But still, I thought it would pass and was due to me being on bed rest for so long - - but it hasn't. So I've just continued to take it easy. Cramping scares me, and I don't like the feeling of a racing heart. As soon as I sit down - bam, cramps stop. Other than that, I've really had a fun week - went to the park with my sister, the boys, and my Mom the other day which was great! My Mom got a wheelchair from work and pushed me around. Nice to be doing some "normal" things, although the me being in an amigo or wheelchair part is not so normal but the kids love it - Alex has become a pro Amigo driver, and Kyle thinks its weird that I'm in a "stroller" (wheelchair) too!

FEAR

Today has been a very rough day and lately I have been having a hard time pinpointing my anxiety. I have just been a giant stress ball since I woke up. I thought it was because of our financial status - we have to wait another month to even see if my disability claim is approved so we are still living on 1 income and watching our savings dwindle each month. My anger towards the insurance company is out of control...b/c to them I'm just another person - but I'm angry b/c IVF wasn't an "elective" procedure for us - if that is the case then getting pg is an elective procedure for everyone...that was our only chance. So to say where I'm at right now is due to complications from that is such bullshit. Unbelievable to me still. Anyways, this is where my anxiety began today - thinking about that subject. So I began to try to do things to keep myself busy since my restrictions were lifted a bit last Friday...but every time I do anything my heart races and I have cramps. So then I stop because it scares me. I know the heart racing and increased blood pressure is probably due to being on bed rest for so long that my body is just not used to moving - but the cramps are what have me scared. Okay, so there's something else that contributed to my anxiety. I began to feel very guilty that I was down today - here I have this absolute miracle growing inside me and I am having a pity party over here. Then out of the blue tonight, it hit me. Even though things are great right now and I should feel elated - I am still absolutely terrified. I was looking on Craigslist b/c that is one of my favorite past-times right now...looking for the bassinet I want and maternity clothes. I clicked on this bassinet posting and the caption read "brand new, never used - our baby never made it home". This is when it hit me - omg the sadness I feel for these strangers is something I cannot even wrap my head around. But what really hit home is that could easily be me. Yes, I'm hopeful that this little guy is okay and in his own little world inside me he thrives...but what if the Dr.'s are right and something is wrong with him and he doesn't make it when I deliver him? What if my dream of bringing him home never comes true? Honestly, I do not think I could go on and I know I should not be thinking these thoughts but I really think fear is the primary thing consuming me today. Its just way easier to blame it on finances, stupid insurance companies, not having many clothes that fit, not being able to do what I want - - but in all reality those are the things that for now, I can handle. The fear of losing him is something I cannot handle. What do I do with this fear? How do I pretend to everyone else that I am fine and normal when inside I am freaking out and wondering every second of the day if my baby will be okay??? No one gets it - a few people today have asked what is wrong - I don't know how to explain it, so I just say that I am bored...b/c in everyone else's eyes all is good. And I am SO thankful that things are looking up so much...but is this the calm before the storm? Deep down I do believe that he is okay - but what if I am wrong???

4wks4days - 15 weeks

May 27th: Beta 14dp5dt 600! Our dream has come true!!!
June 6th: Bowel obstruction surgery -Dr.'s say you may not make it and Mommy started bleeding heavily - we thought we lost you...but you held strong!!! So proud of you baby!
June 11th: We hear and see your heartbeat for the first time. I will never forget this moment.
June 24th: See your Dr. for the first time. We have missed him and are so happy to see him, tons of hugs all around. He is the best Dr. ever! Today was also our last appointment with the Dr.'s that helped us make you! We are so grateful and will take you to meet them when you are born.
July 11th: 11 weeks, today was very scary for us - we have been told your nuchal fold is measuring at 6.4 (it is supposed to be 2cm or less), we were also told that your bowels are outside your body. Mommy has a subchorianic hemorrhage that was diagnosed today.
July 15th: Today we go to the high-risk specialist and get an ultrasound. You were so busy over the weekend - you pulled your bowels in. Wow - great job!!! You waved to us - it was the coolest thing ever. What a perfect little hand you have! The Dr. called with the news later that was one of the scariest phone calls we've ever had. She said there is a very high chance that something is very wrong with you. An appointment is scheduled for us at U of M for the next day.
July 16th: We talk to a genetic counselor at U of M today and are given horrifying statistics on your chance at life. It is like we are living in a nightmare. I cry a lot and Daddy is heartbroken. We agree to have a CVS test done but when they do the ultrasound they see that the hemorrhage is too close to the placenta so it would be too risky for you so the Dr.'s and us opt not to do it. We go home trying to absorb all the information given to us. We try to focus on how adorable you are when we saw you on the big ultrasound screen - we saw your foot kick up as if you were telling us all to leave you alone!
July 18th: 12 weeks, we are still terrified but with each passing day are more hopeful that you are okay. We know you are a fighter and believe in you, as we always have.
July 25th: 13 weeks, today is a great day! Your Mimi and Aunt Kim (I wonder what you will call her?! She will be the coolest aunt ever!) came with me to the ultrasound to see you and it was good news all around. Your nuchal fold is measuring 4.5, although still not normal, significantly less. So relieved it is not bigger - that was a huge fear as we had heard horror stories on what would happen if it measured larger than last time. Your heart rate today is around 160. Mommy and Mimi still think you are a girl but your Aunt swears she saw a penis when we were looking at all your parts! The sonographer said she could not tell what you are because you are sitting in a yoga position. Such a silly baby! You are always moving and not wanting anyone to disturb you!
July 29th: Today is Mommy's last progesterone shot...you would think I would be relieved and happy to have no more huge needles stuck in my hip. But no, this is what helped you live when I had surgery; I am very nervous about stopping these shots.
August 8th: 15 weeks, the day after Daddy's birthday we get the most exciting news ever - you are a BOY! It is the coolest thing to know what gender you are. We called tons of people on speaker phone to tell them what you are. If we could only capture moments like this in a bottle! We love you so much and gosh, you are popular - you keep getting tons of presents! We got your bedding today - hope you like frogs! We found out more good news at the ultrasound - my bleed is no longer active, the placenta previa is improving, and you look GREAT...your head, femur, belly, and body are measuring right on at 15 wks! You were snuggled tightly in, so we couldn't get a very accurate reading of your nuchal fold but the approximate measurement is between 4.3 & 4.4.We saw your bladder, which they said is a great thing, and you have a normal 3-celled umbilical cord - last time they thought it was 2-celled! Your heart rate today was 143. My belly measured perfectly and I have gained 7 lbs since getting pg which they are very happy with. They say this is not completely accurate considering what I have been through, but I am happy with it because I was afraid I would be a huge blimp, considering I have NO activity at all! I do see, however, that I will get huge since I have a very short torso. Just more exciting to me though - each day you change my body is a reminder that you are growing well in there! Such an awesome, amazing day - this is much more real now! YEAY! I feel like this is a new beginning for us. I listen to your heartbeat as soon as I wake up in the morning. It is the most amazing feeling listening to my heartbeat right beside yours. I wonder if that comforts you as much as it comforts me?...what a close bond that only a mother and their child can share. I am living in a dream - the best dream ever!

I owe someone an apology...(15 wks)

MY BABY...because HE is a BOY!!! I guess my mother's instinct hasn't kicked in quite yet. Friday was an amazing day. I had another awesome appointment where we learned that my bleed is no longer active and they baby looks great. The sonographer wrote the sex and sealed it tightly in an envelope. I called Mike and he came right home from work - we couldn't wait until he got home at 5:00 to open the envelope. "Congratulations...it's a BOY" it said!!! We are SO excited. We would've been if it was a boy or a girl but just to know is the coolest feeling. Makes it so much more real. I was also given a lift of some restrictions. I can do a little more now, although I still have to take it easy. The first thing I did when Mike went back to work was went downstairs and went through the 0-6 month bin...my sister has saved all of the boys clothes for us. I pulled out everything I thought our baby could wear, since he'll be born in the winter and they were born in the spring. There was a TON of stuff - 2 overflowing boxes! Everything - so adorable. The baby got tons of presents yesterday. My Mom got him lots of the cutest little newborn sleepers, Mike's Mom got him a cute 6 piece outfit, and Amy got him a tiny gown. I could just stare at the tiny little sleepers all day. I think I've looked at them about 30 times now!!! It is very cold out today and although its not normal because its the beginning of August it makes me think that January is closer because fall is coming!!! I really couldn't be happier. Our strong little guy is growing as he should and is so active when we see him. Everything is measuring perfect - right at 15 wks. Mike and I decided not to get the amnio - we were both having a lot of anxiety about it (it was supposed to be this Tuesday, Aug. 13th). This baby has been through enough, he doesn't need to go through yet another thing. We will still have the heart ultrasound at 18 wks and if it is needed then we will have it. But only if it is needed to prepare for something, not recommended as it is being presented to us now. Tomorrow I am headed to the library to get some baby name books. This little baby boy is so loved but he is definitely loved the most by his Mommy!!! :) YEAY - grow baby grow!

I love my belly...

It seems like my belly is growing everyday and its just the coolest thing! I started showing just recently and at first it looked as if I had just put on some pounds but now I am starting to look pregnant. Its so encouraging and makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. This is exactly what I have dreamt about for so long. I can't wait until I have a huge pregnant belly!!! It was such a great weekend, just as if Mike and I were a normal married couple expecting a baby...talking about being parents, doing normal stuff we used to do - playing game after game outside in the summer heat and then continuing until dark when we could then enjoy a perfect summer night together just enjoying each other's company. It seemed that all our fears were aside for the weekend and we were just happy again and weren't caught up in all of the "ifs". We love our baby and can't wait to meet her and that is that. If only it was that simple all the time...but for just these couple of days, it was. And we needed that so much - not only to build up our internal hope but primarily to be one again and realize that aside from all this craziness we have been through and all the stress it has put on our relationship, we are still the best of friends as we were years ago. I also felt like I was not this "girl on bedrest" who can't do anything. Yes, I was laying in my make-shift deck contraption we made but I was not reminded like I usually am every weekend that I can't do the normal stuff that I do in the summer. Hearing my baby's heartbeat everyday (multiple times a day actually) and hearing her go crazy moving around in there is all I need right now. Hiking, camping, and doing "normal" summer things can wait - nothing compares to this. Okay, so this post really wasn't all about my growing belly, and is actually quite rambly - but I feel it captures what my feelings were over the weekend, which I want to remember.