Dear baby,
Today I am 12 weeks pregnant with you. With each day that passes since our horrible appointments Tuesday and Wednesday I feel like you are okay. I explore myself to see if I'm just thinking that more and more to comfort myself but no, I really feel it very deep down in me. The odds and percentages that all the Dr.'s are giving us have just become #'s to me. I am not usually like this, I am very realistic and take things how they are and am not a rosy person. I just believe in you and I believe that you are already our miracle and will continue to be. Your Daddy thinks so too - he came home just now, not really knowing what I am feeling and said "I feel deep down that she will be okay". Next week I get to see you again. I'm hoping my body stops causing you stress so you can fight, just like you always have. My belly has gotten bigger this past week and I have been laying on my left side and drinking a ton of water for you. I wish I could do more for you but besides trying to be in the right frame of mind and doing these things all I can do is hope and pray that you are a normal, healthy baby. You have so many people that love you, its incredible. I wonder if you can already feel that? I think you can - I mean how can you not, you are prayed for, thought about, and sent all kinds of healthy vibes a million times a day by even strangers to us. I never knew this feeling of love, its a different kind of love - like an "I'd die for you love" but that doesn't even give the right description. Please keep on growing and stay with me.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Not titled
How do you title something that describes the most horrifying time in your life? As I sit here sobbing I just don't even know what to think or how to cope. I will be fine for hours and in my numb state then all of the sudden something triggers me and I just lose it and have a very hard time putting myself back together. What do you do when you're given a 30% chance that your baby will be born alive - and in that 30% they're not even saying that the baby will be okay if its born living. How the hell is someone supposed to process that information? I just wonder what did we do, why is this happening? Why does our baby look so normal and seem so strong when it could have something fatal? And why do we never get answers? As strange as it sounds, when we couldn't have the test done yesterday that would tell us if there was a chromosome abnormality I was kind of relieved, thinking maybe this is a sign that the baby is really fine and we just need to give it a few more weeks to see that. Then of course the realist side of me kicked in and thought no, once again my body is causing us to get screwed, which is a whole other topic, of course on top of all these other issues, my body has to bleed which may also potentially kill the baby if it doesn't stop. To be fair to the baby and to us we will still have an amnio done at 15wks but maybe she will beat all the odds, she's already proved to us that she is an incredibly strong baby. I believe in her. And deep down I believe that something so evil could not happen that would take our baby away. Its the one thing in life I've dreamt to be since I was very little and I'm finally starting to live that dream by being pregnant, we're well on our way there - but with each Dr's appointment it just keeps getting smashed to pieces. I hate the sang "bad things happen to good people" - that's bullshit. I don't know what this is trying to teach me or what I am being punished for but for what its worth - whatever the reason - I have learned whatever I'm supposed to learn and I am sorry for whatever it is that I did to make this happen. Please just let me be a mother and be able to hold a, my, normal healthy baby in 6 months.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
10 Weeks!
I am so excited that as of yesterday I am 10 weeks pregnant! It still seems very surreal, I think because everything has been such a whirlwind. We had another scare the other day...spotting that lasted all day and wasn't "my norm". After a long day in the ER, I heard my new favorite sound in the world - the baby's heartbeat. Instant tears and relief. Not sure what all the extra spotting was all about but all we cared about at this time is that the baby is okay. And I did get a new picture too - she/he was measuring perfectly for how far along I am and has grown SO much! We can now see the legs, hands, etc. Although I am on "modified" bed rest, most times I am laying down...only getting up to go to the bathroom and to sit outside in the evenings. Every time I try to do anything else I have cramping and spotting. I do believe I had my 1 and only summer outing last night. We went to the fireworks. I was dropped off right where we were going to sit and laid on a blanket, but afterwords the spotting and cramping began. So, not worth it - I'll just stay in my humble abode. My goal was to journal here at least once/week, which hopefully now I will do. I think I have reached a turning point now that I am in the double digits. I was in this odd funk up until the past couple of days where I was feeling useless and was just consumed with a lot of terrifying feelings. Now, after some words of wisdom from family and some soul searching I feel pretty good. My thoughts are turning to be more excited and positive, although the fear is still very much there. This Friday I have an ultrasound which I am REALLY looking forward to...not only to see the baby but to see how things are going in there. How many blood clots do I have now? How big are they? What does the previa look like now, etc. I think, well I hope, this week will bring some peace of mind. My disability claim at work is STILL processing and is supposed to be "determined" by the end of this week - that combined with seeing the Dr. and the baby - life is looking up. I never thought I'd get excited to gag in the shower or to have sharp pains in my stomach...but I do! I love every normal pregnancy symptom since for so long I didn't have any because of everything else that was going on in my body.
Things I want to remember about being pregnant right now: I was craving pickles like no other but I only wanted dill spice #4. I ate an entire jar in a few days and 5 pickle jars later, no one can get me what I crave. I have every kind of pickle but spice #4. Oh the stresses of not being able to go to the store myself! :) So, I had to settle for Vlasic but I don't crave those as much. Water with lemon has been a must lately. And about once/week I NEED a vanilla cone dipped in cherry. I could actually go for one every day but I am trying to eat a lot of protein and sensibly since I went from walking every day to literally NO activity at all. Max has put on a couple pounds too. What do people do if they're on bed rest and don't have a dog? If it weren't for him I would be in the loony bin for sure. He just constantly listens and never says any dumb-ass opinion back to me.
Things that are driving me crazy: when people say they "have a good feeling" and therefore, they know everything will be okay. There are so many other comments that I politely brush aside but I just want to say "c'mon, really?!". So, I have become sort of a social hermit which really is no change b/c when we were going through infertility and then IVF I was already in this mode.
Things I love so much and have learned to appreciate even more since being on bed rest: playing the game 10,000 with Mike at night...I look forward to this and throw a fit if he doesn't feel like playing, my Mom's weekly visits...she comes over on her day off, sometimes both days and brings lunch and cleans and we just have fun and hang out, my sister and I's heart to hearts - its sucks she is so busy and we don't see each other as much but she's still always just a phone call and encouraging word away, and Max of course...Max deserves an award for being the best friend anyone could ever have - yes you read that right - my dog is one of my best friends.
The thing I miss the most: my nephews. The only time I can see them if if they come over and they are social butterflies so that is usually only about once/week or once every other week. They don't understand why I'm just laying all the time and it breaks my heart. I can't wait to run and play with them again but I will try to wait patiently. They are so sweet in the understanding they have about the baby and what is going on right now - Kyle likes to feel my belly and thinks he's feeling where the baby is (even though you can't tell I'm pg yet!) - it is adorable. Alex is very inquisitive about why I have to lay/sit down all the time. I tried explaining it the best I could and my answer must have been acceptable because he went and got a game out of the closet for us to play. That was his way of telling me he understood my limitations but that we could still have fun together. I almost cried, he has the sweetest soul.
Things that I feel: That bed rest puts a huge toll on a relationship and even after almost 2 years of being married - both parties must now work harder than ever on our marriage and refocus on being a team in life, and that this baby is a girl...I started feeling this about a couple of weeks ago and then learned that Mike thinks so too. The heart rate a few days ago was 167, which everyone says is in the "girl range". Either way - girl or boy, we'll be elated. But it will be interesting to see if for once in my life, an intuition I have is correct :)
Things I want to remember about being pregnant right now: I was craving pickles like no other but I only wanted dill spice #4. I ate an entire jar in a few days and 5 pickle jars later, no one can get me what I crave. I have every kind of pickle but spice #4. Oh the stresses of not being able to go to the store myself! :) So, I had to settle for Vlasic but I don't crave those as much. Water with lemon has been a must lately. And about once/week I NEED a vanilla cone dipped in cherry. I could actually go for one every day but I am trying to eat a lot of protein and sensibly since I went from walking every day to literally NO activity at all. Max has put on a couple pounds too. What do people do if they're on bed rest and don't have a dog? If it weren't for him I would be in the loony bin for sure. He just constantly listens and never says any dumb-ass opinion back to me.
Things that are driving me crazy: when people say they "have a good feeling" and therefore, they know everything will be okay. There are so many other comments that I politely brush aside but I just want to say "c'mon, really?!". So, I have become sort of a social hermit which really is no change b/c when we were going through infertility and then IVF I was already in this mode.
Things I love so much and have learned to appreciate even more since being on bed rest: playing the game 10,000 with Mike at night...I look forward to this and throw a fit if he doesn't feel like playing, my Mom's weekly visits...she comes over on her day off, sometimes both days and brings lunch and cleans and we just have fun and hang out, my sister and I's heart to hearts - its sucks she is so busy and we don't see each other as much but she's still always just a phone call and encouraging word away, and Max of course...Max deserves an award for being the best friend anyone could ever have - yes you read that right - my dog is one of my best friends.
The thing I miss the most: my nephews. The only time I can see them if if they come over and they are social butterflies so that is usually only about once/week or once every other week. They don't understand why I'm just laying all the time and it breaks my heart. I can't wait to run and play with them again but I will try to wait patiently. They are so sweet in the understanding they have about the baby and what is going on right now - Kyle likes to feel my belly and thinks he's feeling where the baby is (even though you can't tell I'm pg yet!) - it is adorable. Alex is very inquisitive about why I have to lay/sit down all the time. I tried explaining it the best I could and my answer must have been acceptable because he went and got a game out of the closet for us to play. That was his way of telling me he understood my limitations but that we could still have fun together. I almost cried, he has the sweetest soul.
Things that I feel: That bed rest puts a huge toll on a relationship and even after almost 2 years of being married - both parties must now work harder than ever on our marriage and refocus on being a team in life, and that this baby is a girl...I started feeling this about a couple of weeks ago and then learned that Mike thinks so too. The heart rate a few days ago was 167, which everyone says is in the "girl range". Either way - girl or boy, we'll be elated. But it will be interesting to see if for once in my life, an intuition I have is correct :)
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