Beginning the healing process

So much has happened in the past few weeks I'm not even sure where to start. And being this is a journal for me to look back on in years to come - I'd rather not even remember any of it, although I know that is impossible so I might as well document it. Wednesday, June 4th I went to the Dr. in terrible pain. I had been everyday that week and it was only getting worse. I had a doppler ultrasound of my ovaries since they suspected my pain was from a possible ovarian torsion. The blood flow was good so once again they were stumped. My pain rating was above a 10 and emotionally I had had it. They admitted me and finally after waiting for hours, I had some relief to my pain. They hooked me up to a Demoral pain pump - luckily I was on the high risk pregnancy unit - antipardum I think they called it, so everyone on the floor was pregnant. That was my only worry - that someone would forget I was pregnant and give me something that would hurt the baby. So that was a huge relief. Days later the pain was exactly the same. They removed my stomach drain thinking that may have been the source of the pain - nope. Friday afternoon is one that I wish I could block from my mind permanently. It haunts me still- everyday. The Dr. came in to talk to me, said since the pain wasn't getting any better he wanted to do surgery. I was very against it. He had told me a week prior that this would hurt the baby and I would probably lose the pregnancy. Now, they were saying that it would be a 1% chance that the baby would be harmed. I didn't know what to believe. I told the Dr. I would think about it and he wanted my decision in 1 hour. After he was pushing on my belly I felt a gush and when he walked out I went into the bathroom to find blood - red blood. He came back in - everyone except for Mike left the room and the Dr. looked and confirmed that the blood was coming from my cervix. My heard broke at that moment and I'm pretty sure Mike's did too. It is almost too painful to even write about but I feel that if I do it might help me more to move past this. We thought we were losing the baby so we said go ahead with the surgery. The Dr. called his nurse and had her bring an ultrasound machine over so we could see the baby before they put me under. The yolk sack was still in tact and everything, for the moment, looked fine. I will be forever grateful that he did that. He is an incredibly kind man. When I woke up the aid with me would not tell me what they did b/c he was not in OR with me. What felt like such a long time later I was re-united with Mike and my family and they filled me in on what the pain was from - a bowel obstruction, and it was twisted in 3 parts and adhered to my stomach and appendix. Everyone, including the Dr. was shocked. My pain was gone - that was it! It was a very long wait from that Friday night until our next ultrasound last Wednesday. I was terrified, and still am actually, that everything my body went through (the stress from pain, anesthesia, pain medication, etc.) would affect the baby. Last week though - we saw the heartbeat! Our baby is a true fighter, that's for sure. He or she must know how much it is wanted. Today I am able to breathe just a teeny weeny bit easier...we saw the baby again this morning, it grew a lot over the past week! The heart beat is super strong and he said everything looks great! Amazing. When I saw the baby this morning something clicked in me that I can slowly begin to start healing emotionally. I feel my body is almost back to normal, its very close. I actually look like a normal person again. I'm not deformed by all the swelling anymore, and I can walk normal again. Its very disturbing what can be going on in your body and you have no idea. And its very amazing that the baby can be in its own little world in there when just around the corner to it, there is chaos! I am so beyond thankful.