At a loss for words...

After an emotionally and physically challenging weekend, to say the least, I went in for surgery yesterday to have a tube placed in me that is attached to a bag that is attached to my leg to drain this fluid. Its called a pigtail catheter apparently. All I know is that it really freaks me out and is incredibly disgusting. But, it provides such relief that it is quickly becoming my friend. Shortly after waking up yesterday I get the news that makes all of this worth it I AM PREGNANT AND MY BETA 14dp5dt IS 617!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As my family sobbed around me I just sat there numb. Is this really happening? Why, just upon thinking about receiving this news before would I tear up and get so happy and now that it is reality I can only stare and say wow?! I'm not sure I've ever felt shock like this before. Its an undescribable feeling. I didn't speak much the rest of the day as everyone else was buzzing about. I was just in my own internal world trying to grasp the news. Today I woke up and instantly before even being fully awake I thought "okay I just need to get through today and that will bring me one day closer to Tuesday". Then it hit me -OMG no, there's no more waiting - there is a baby (or 2) growing in me right now!!! After 18 months this is it!!! Of course its still early and I am absolutely terrified I am ELATED to say the least!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep having these weird spells of dizziness and just weirdness in general and I think its my body coming out of the trauma its been in for the past week or so, and emotionally - I'll get so down one second then the next be just SO happy. Its the strangest thing! I've read about this before but never really experienced it. I go back Friday to get this bag thing checked but also for a repeat beta which I am SO excited for!!!! I can't believe this is happening. I can't wait to hear the heartbeat(s). The internet says we could as early as June 14th!!!!! I think THAT is when reality will hit me and I will come to terms that I will really be able to be a Mommy!!!!!!!!!!

Overwhelming

Well as the week continued so did my weight gain and fluid retention. Had 2 more bags of Hespan; one Monday and one Tuesday. Tuesday night was really really rough, or was it Monday - wow I can't even grasp time right now. I ended up having 3 liters of fluid drained from me on Wed. I was given the option of having anesthesia or having it done without. I chose without in the best interest of the embies. Oh my. It was traumatizing to say the least. Worth it though - I felt such a relief after it was over. Thursday I finally had a day off from the clinic. I concentrated on laying around and healing. For some reason in my mind I was thinking...ahh this fluid is gone and I will finally be normal again. Yep, today is Sat. and I am STILL far from normal. I was comforted yesterday when they told me that all that is going on with me is normal...my stomach is still in so much pain b/c of the rapid distention from the fluid which will take 2-3 WEEKS to heal (shoot me now), the spotting that has been making me lose my mind is fine as long as it stays pink or brown, and my giant swollen stomach will not go down until my estrogen level does. So that was where I was yesterday...today is a different story. I woke up measuring the same but am 4 lbs heavier. Just talked to the Dr. and he says to come in tomorrow morning if I have any more weight gain or feel worse. Lovely. What a delightful Sat.

A very scary day

Yesterday I felt great, I was finally beginning to feel like myself physically again and looked forward to some house cleaning and laundry around here today. Never thought I would look forward to that - but I did. This morning I woke up to a HUGE stomach. Bigger than post-retrieval, and I weighed 5 lbs. more than I did yesterday. I was extremely uncomfortable, but not short of breath, nautious, or in any bad pain. I paged the on-call Dr. though, because of the weight gain. He advised me to eat and drink and take it easy, and to come into the office in the morning since my only symptom was the weight gain. I was very frustrated that once again the couch was my BFF for the day, yet relieved we didn't have to go to the hospital. How naive I was! Mike and I went to grab some lunch. Most of the way through lunch a feeling I have never felt came over me. I put my head down to fight the feeling that started off as just being dizzy. Within seconds my ears were full of pressure, I was sweating and barely sitting in my chair. I could hear Mike starting to panic - it sounded like he was a mile away. It literally seemed like forever before this passed enough for Mike to get me to the car. I kept thinking - okay this will pass, maybe now since that scared me so much I just need to relax and I will feel better. When we got home, the feeling was starting to come back again. I weighed myself again and saw that I had gained 2 more lbs. in just a couple of hours. We paged the Dr. again and off to the ER we went. They rushed me right back, we didn't even have to wait 5 minutes. We felt so relieved that one of the fertility nurses from the clinic happened to be working in ER that day. That was a huge comfort because our primary fear was that they would give me something that would harm the embryos. The Dr. came in to do an ultrasound and said "you have a lot of blood built up between your liver and your kidneys". THAT was terrifying. Shortly after that they came back in - it is not blood, it is just fluid. Gosh talk about giving us a heart attack. But I have to say it is extremely painful. I am so full of fluid that I cannot stand up straight and cannot pull myself up from laying to sitting. This is rough. Really really rough. They released me this evening after a bag of medicine that is supposed to draw the fluid from my stomach to my veins and also a bag of fluids. The hospital was great in paging my Dr. before doing anything to me. Everything they did was strictly by his orders. I go back tomorrow morning and my Dr. will drain the fluid. How the hell do they do that??? At this point I don't even care - I just want it gone. Of course I am just masking my primary fear with all these physical, whiney complaints. I am terrified this is somehow hurting the embies. They should be burrowed into my uterine lining by now...but what if they're not? What if the stress my body is under is affecting them? What if this doesn't work? I wish tomorrow they could somehow tell me that they are okay and are doing what they are supposed to. But I know this is impossible. When we left the hospital I tried to put my positive hat back on and sipped on my multi-vitamin pineapple smoothie Mike picked up for me on the way home. I did find comfort that this was my progesterone oil shot day. Wow, how messed up is my life right now...I find comfort in getting a shot in my hip that takes about a century to push through the syringe. Whew, I think I'm losing it. Shortly I will be going back to the hospital...but for a different reason. They will be checking me into the psych ward!

Such a rollercoaster...3dp5dt

I got my first post-transfer blood draw this morning. They said if you don't hear from them then all your levels are normal. Well whose # do I see pop up on the phone before my lunch break? Yep - the clinic. Apparently all my levels are low. ugh. So I had a breakdown and have picked myself back up trying to protect these little ones in me. My fear is that right now they are trying to get in there and my lining isn't rich enough for them. They called in Estrace which is an under the tongue tablet to take twice/day. They also increased the progesterone oil shots to every other day vs. every 3rd day. They are also having us do the extra HCG shot that we have on hand. I don't know why the extra HCG is needed? I purposely didn't ask any specific #'s of the levels, I don't want to freak out any more than I am. If this is the only bump in this road I will be okay. Its just so so scary. I just want this to work more than anything I've ever wanted before. Why does it have to be so hard? Why doesn't my body ever absorb progesterone? Why can't all of us that have been trying so hard for so long just finally get our wish. I promise I will be the best Mommy I can possibly be - just please let this happen for us.

Welcome Home Embies!!!

Tuesday was such an amazing experience! I can't believe how many embryos made it. The Dr. said that freezing them on day 2 gives them a 90% success rate when thawed so he froze 9 then, and Tuesday there were 6 they chose from...the ratings were incredible! 4 were "A"...2 were more advanced than the other 2 (these were the ones they transferred). The others were "AB" and "B". We got pictures of the A's. I tried scanning them in but it comes out so dark so I'll have to mess around with the scanner at another time. Its incredible to see the difference between the 2 A's they transferred and the other 2 A's. I'm no scientist but it looked like they were already trying to break out of their shell. So I am reading this chart I found obsessively. It says that today they are (hopefully) attaching themselves to my uterine lining. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. How do you love something that is microscopic? You wouldn't think that would be possible but it is! I'm treating my body like its gold. Eating good, drinking a ton of water, and doing NOTHING! Well, I went back to work today but haven't left my desk much. So once again - here comes the waiting game. But his waiting period is SO different. Its so full of hope that I've never had and a potential reality that is exciting beyond belief. I'm happy I go get Progesterone level checks on Fridays and Tuesday starting tomorrow - I'm hoping that makes the 27th come faster. Wishful thinking! Its gonna be a looooong 2 weeks!!!

THEY'RE STILL GROWING!!!

This morning I woke up so early and was just laying there waiting for my phone to ring or for it to be 9:00. OMG time went soooo slow. The phone rang at 7:48 and the nurse said "Happy Mother's Day" when I answered...I immediately thought OH NO, they are not making it to a day 5 transfer. But then she hesitated and said "we're going to let you enjoy today and we'll see you Tuesday!" So our chances of them implanting and becoming out babies are even higher!!! This is amazing, what a great day!

This is SO exciting!!!!

The past few days have been full of so many emotions. We got the instructions to do the HCG shot Tuesday night at 8:30pm. It was so nerve-wracking for both Mike and I, we just wanted to make sure we did it right. But Mike did GREAT! I continue to be impressed with his "shot administering" abilities! There was SO much riding on that shot! Egg retrieval was set for 8:30 yesterday (Thursday, 5/08). When we went back into the room and they had started my IV and gotten me all ready to go my excitement hit the roof, it was such an awesome feeling. I was scared that I wouldn't have many eggs or that they wouldn't be mature enough but at the same time SO excited - the fact that it was US in that room at that moment is just still so surreal. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain - way more than I expected. The nurse shrugged it off like I was being dramatic (which I am the farthest thing from that, I have a very high tolerance for pain). So needless to say I was super irritated with her! Well, a few minutes later they brought Mike in and the nurse came back in and said well no wonder you're in so much pain - we got 30 eggs! 30!!! Turns out it was really 28 but wow!!! And in the back of my mind I was like ya - listen lady, it took that for you to believe I'm in pain?! Geez! Anyways, this morning I got the fertilization report. Out of the 28 eggs, 9 were not mature enough to be fertilized. And then came the BEST news yet - 19 out of 19 fertilized!!! I'm on cloud 9 right now. The odds that 2 good embryos will make it to a day 5 transfer are good! That was my fear - that they'd have to do a 3 day or worse yet, that we wouldn't have 2 good grade embryos. Not to say that a 3 day transfer wouldn't get me pregnant, but I'm just nervous. I want my lining to have time to continue to thicken. On Tuesday it was 9.2mm and she said they like it to be at least 10 when the transfer. GO lining GO! I think I typed all of this in about 2.5 seconds. My fingers cannot move fast enough and I want to capture every ounce of what I'm feeling right now. So I've been watching TLC baby shows all morning and laying in bed with Max. That's my plan for the rest of the day!

An exciting morning!

I went for my day 5 scan this morning not really knowing what to expect. At first the nurse said we wouldn't see much because it was only day 5, but then when she began she said oh nevermind about what I said...there is a lot going on in there! She gave me a paper that had numbers on it for each ovary and said to check the # when she told me the size of my follicles. I had 13 on my right ovary and 6 on my left! They ranged in size - she said their sizes for day 5 were great. She called this afternoon and told me my bloodwork looks great also and to stay on the same dosage of meds (225mg Follistim and 250mg Ganirelex). Egg retrieval could be as early as the end of next week!!! This is SO SO exciting!!!!!!!