Countdown to IVF

Today is a very exciting day for me. It starts the beginning of amazingness. I don't even think that is a word, but it best describes what I feel about IVF. Its just amazing to me and I can't wait to learn more about it. Next Thursday - just 10 days from today, Mike and I go to our training class. Today I started taking the birth control pill and the nurse said that around April 23rd I'll start the injections. It is just so soon, I can barely contain myself. This weekend was really a sort of milestone emotionally for me. I had a lot of invitations to fun events for Sat. night. . . I didn't go to any of them. Instead, Mike and I went out to a nice dinner. I told him he is my comfort, that really just sums up what I've been feeling. Being at home and with Mike is comforting to me, and although I have become a boring hermit, so be it. Through this whole process I have been so hot and cold and felt so many feelings and its very calming to me that, although men are men and we all know what that means, Mike and I have grown through this over the past year and 1/2 and are exactly on the same page right now. Its so weird how feelings can change. Sunday I woke up feeling like a loser, the 80's party was a blast, why didn't I go...why am I such a lump? I knew I had to quickly turn that attitude around and focus on the good. So I spent all day spring cleaning. It felt great, and was really good for my soul. I watched a video last night recommended by my message board for infertility hope. It was like me saying goodbye to infertility. I followed that video with IVF success stories of patients from a fertility clinic in New Jersey that was on YouTube. I woke up this morning full of excitement and hope. It feels so good. It's incredible to say "next Thursday is our first IVF appt"...and knowing that 1 month from now I'll be on the meds and close to transfer time!!!

Infertility has turned me into a B*TCH

Yes, my title of this post sounds weird, but I'm sorry to say it is true. There have been a few events, just in the past 3 days that have made me realize this.

The first one happened when I was at Walmart. My sister and I have just began to make diaper cakes to sell, which is a great excuse for me to be in the baby section at stores now looking for deals for our cakes. I linger longer than necessary fantasizing that one day I will be able to buy these items because I will need them, not some lucky mom-to-be that is receiving a present I made at her baby shower. Then my attention moves to the shoppers in that area; it never fails that every time I leave those aisles with anger and resentment. This particular day there were 2 girls, seemed to be in high school or newly in college. The one was very pregnant and they were discussing classes and what life would be like once her baby was here. Example #1 of why I have turned into a complete bitty: I wanted to slap them both across the face. How dare you get pregnant so fast, obviously you hadn't tried for long, if at all - you aren't even of drinking age yet so there's no way you were actively trying for a long period of time for this baby. How can you lightly joke about dressing the baby this way and that, do you even realize how lucky you are to get to this point?! Before you think I am a total freak, I realize that most of my judgemental selfish speculations are most likely untrue. Hopefully thinking these thoughts don't make me too bad of a person.

Fast forward to example #2...when I was checking out. In the line next to me there was a crying little baby, probably around 2 months old. The Mom was with her sister, neither of which were affected by this baby's unhappiness. They didn't even acknowledge him; after awhile the Mom took the car seat out of the cart and began bouncing it, which calmed the baby. I found myself starting at this scene the whole time I was in line and didn't realize that my face expression was probably not the nicest until the Mom looked at me with weird eyes. I really wasn't judging at all, the baby could have been screaming for hours, and probably had given the baby attention every second of the day except for those few minutes in the Walmart line...still I found myself angry and wanting to tell her to take the baby out of his car seat and hold him and be thankful that you have a baby to calm. I pictured my sister and I being in that same scenario, and my baby crying...

Example #3 happened on Easter yesterday. Mike and I went to his parents' house for dinner. As we're sitting around Mike made a joke about his sister being at her boyfriend's ex-wife's house for Easter dinner (she is dating a guy who is not yet divorced and has a 2yr old and a 4yr old). I bitterly threw in a snide remark asking "ex" wife? His family looked at me in total disbelief that I had said that. Mike followed his comment with another that basically implied he was just joking. His family laughed an uncomfortable chuckle. I, on the other hand, kept silent, and did not retract my comment by saying I was kidding. A family member (blood related or not), who doesn't acknowledge someone going through infertility and a miscarriage loses all respect in my book. I do have a lot of anger about this, and I think I have every right to. No, we are not close and she is just my "in-law" so some say it doesn't matter. But it does matter to me. I don't care what situation I was in - if I had 10 kids, or if I didn't ever want to have kids...as a woman of a child-bearing age, you somehow can imagine *slightly* how painful infertility/losing a pregnancy could be. Apparently she didn't call because she knew I wouldn't want to talk about it. That is respectful and I appreciate that b/c she's right - I didn't. But give it some time, or send a card - something! Its now 5 months later and she has yet to mention that she even knows it happened (I know she does), nor has she called to see how things are going or anything. So, I'm done. No more trying for me in that area. Yes, the comment I said yesterday was unnecessary but I don't think I'm irrational in the fact of where my anger towards her stems from. So when we do get pregnant and I call the family to give updates, she will be left off that list. Don't pretend your there for me now that the hard stuff is over, I don't work that way.

I could list many, many more examples about how infertility has changed me, some for the better, some for the worse. But I think for now I gave enough for me to remember how I was during this time when I look at this in the future, at least for this week.

My body gets the hint!

Well, after all these years, my body FINALLY understands what I feel about it. I got the preliminary blood test results back today (the Dr. still has to look it over). Everything looked great (so happy about that!) with the exception of my MTHFR enzyme. That struck me so funny! In the past 5 or so years I've told my body several times what I think of it. Although it hasn't done me any favors yet, at least its listening and realizes what it truly is - a mthfr! hahaha. Apparently what this means is that my body does not absorb folic acid like it should. Once the Dr. has reviewed the results they will call me back, she said he will more than likely just prescribe a prenatal vitamin that has a higher amount of folic acid. Good job body...you finally get what you are...now get your shit together and be a healthy, safe home for a baby!

I can make lemonade!

Thursday was our big appointment. It was nerve wracking, interesting, terrifying, exciting, and overwhelming all at once. We didn't know what to expect. I had played different scenarios over in my head a million times. What if some tests came back positive, what if they all came back normal, what if it was Mike and not me...so many feelings. The results in a nutshell: all of my blood results came back normal. I am not a CF carrier, I am immune to rubella, no STD's and all that jazz. They think I have polycystic ovaries. Today I went and had a ton of blood taken to do some further testing for the polycystic and also to look deeper into why I miscarried. They ordered a lot of antibody tests to make sure I don't have any "hidden" disorders that could cause a miscarriage. This makes me very relieved that they are running every test they can on me, I never want to go through that again. I was previously told that the "miracle worker" as I like to call him didn't have a good bedside manner. I was pleasantly surprised that he was a kind, gentle man who made great eye contact. He was honest and took a lot of time with us. He made me feel really comfortable actually - as comfortable as one can feel at an infertility clinic. The statistics he gave us were very interesting...given my history and the fact that I have endometriosis we have a 4% chance of getting pg on our own. If we do IUI we have a 15% chance. If we do IVF we have a 50% chance. As you can see, upfront the decision is in black and white. I don't care what I have to go through to have a baby - if he told me I had to stand on my head and not eat or drink for 20 days to get pg I would. The cost of IVF isn't as easy to swallow as seeing those statistics. He told us I am eligible for 2 different IVF studies they have going on right now. This would cut the costs drastically he said. The Dr. left and the nurse explained what IVF entails...she was great but it was definitely information overload. Then we went to a tiny room where the lady that works in billing came in to give us a rundown of the costs. As I saw the figures, I felt the walls start closing in. I had a big lump in my throat and could not speak. I just kept thinking omg if we do this, it would be our only chance for a long time and what if it doesn't work?!...I don't think I could handle that. Who has thousands of dollars to just whip out like that time and time again. Not being pessimistic, just real. She told us my insurance covered injections but not the actual IVF. At the last appointment and then again when I went in for some testing I had asked them to check Mike's insurance too since I am on both plans. I just assumed they did. Mike asked her and she said oh, I don't think they checked that- we will but it is doubtful they will cover anything. There wasn't even a glimmer of hope in my mind that they would cover it. We leave, still not able to talk...before leaving the hospital I see a missed call...it was the first 3 #'s of the hospital. So we go back up there to see what they called for. The receptionist was on the phone with our insurance company and said we could wait. She gets off after a few minutes and says she has great news. We think hmmm, maybe a couple hundred off, at least its something. She said "you may want to come back here for this". I still cannot believe what came out of her mouth next. "the insurance plan covers IVF with a $15,000 lifetime maximum". I went from holding in tears of absolute fear to crying tears of complete disbelief, happiness, hope, excitement, and pure shock. I continued to cry for hours and still am as I write this. Its truly unbelievable. I feel like I won the lottery - there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel. The dream we've had for so long actually could become a reality! Mike and I agreed that it was one of the happiest moments of our life. We sometimes talk about "what our life will be like at this time next year". That night I said this time next year we could really have a baby, I have said that before, but maybe just to make myself feel better. This time I actually believed that it could happen. Not to say I am naive enough to think that bam, we do IVF and we'll be pg but its way more realistic than anything else, I have such renewed hope and haven't been this happy in a long time. All these years of dealing with my stupid health and now we get so lucky with something! It turns out there are only 4 states that require insurance companies to have some type of infertility treatment coverage. Mike's company's headquarters is in one of those 4!

Back to the title of this post...I can't stand rosy sangs like "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade". My sister does too and she found the perfect card that I received just a few days before our appointment. It was just classic..."Hang in there, sometimes life hands you lemons, but then you can make lemonade. Of course, sometimes life pulls down your pants, runs a power sander across your naked butt, then pours lemon juice on your raw, abraded buttocks. In that case, a cool citrus drink wouldn't really help but, darn it...you've got to hang in there anyway!" Isn't that great? It's just hilarious to me. I'm so proud to say that this time when life gave me lemons I can FINALLY make lemonade!!!