Inspired: Digging deep within is GOOD

WARNING: If you can't read this post with an open spiritual mind, move on. Or continue reading and remember that this is my blog and I can say what I want.

I wanted to journal some things about a conversation I had the other day that left me feeling so inspired. I have known my friend Christina since middle school. She lived across the street from me when I lived at home. She was at times labeled or thought of as "weird"...when in actuality she just voices her views and isn't afraid to go deeper than most. I could not talk to her for months and the next time we talk its like we talk everyday. She pulls out thoughts and evokes feelings I didn't even know were there. She also happens to be one of the few people I can tell about my feelings on infertility. Most friends just know my surface feelings. There have been a couple of times I went deeper about it and was looked at like a freak after. Like they were thinking, oh, she's just hormonal, must be the fertility meds. There have also been things that I have never said out loud about why we haven't been able to conceive yet. Christina had a unique outlook, and looked at things from a different aspect. Many things about that conversation helped me, but there is one thought she had that I am still thinking about. She said she envisions this soul standing on the edge of a dock in a huge lake that is just about to the point of diving in. The soul knows once it jumps in, it will be the warmest, most inviting place its ever been. Its every need will be nourished and met beyond any expectations. For some reason though, it is waiting for the absolute perfect time to take the plunge and jump in. This just really touched me. This is why I had the "warning" at the beginning - I know if anyone reads this right now, they are strangers to me, but someday when my dream is achieved and I have beaten infertility, I will open this to my friends and family. Most people fear what others will think if they voice where their minds may wander. This analogy made me think, and helped me alter my focus a bit. I get so caught up in the fact of just trying to make my body work (physically) to get pregnant, that at times I lose touch with my spiritual side. I am preparing not only my body, but my mind and soul as well, to mold a human and prepare them for this scary, crazy world. I will be the one to ease their fears, to teach them how to handle any situation they experience, and how to be comfortable in their own skin. I do know that this 15 months of waiting is to teach me something, and it already has. I have learned so much about myself through this. Although I have support- when it comes down to it, I am the only one who can pick myself up after getting blown down month after month. Maybe the wait is trying to teach me too that the perfect soul is being hand-picked for us. When that little person finally arrives here on earth it will be loved and cherished more than anything.

When I am feeling defeated, I think about a few things. This illustration of the soul waiting on the dock will now be one of them also. The others are things my sister has written me in some of the many cards she's gotten me through all this...

Shortly after my miscarriage I received a beautiful card that had a butterfly on the front. The card itself was filled with very comforting words. But my favorite part is what she wrote in it. "Butterflies symbolize hope and peace...I like the visual of butterflies surrounding you and lifting you up and relieving your emotional pain..."

This one she secretly put on my windshield for me to find after work a couple weeks ago when I was leaving to go to my RE appointment...

"Hi, its your secret admirer of your inner strength, its your extra shoulder of support when you don't have strength, its the person who treasurers everything about you, its the one who does not view you as a failure but instead a conqueror of a mountain, its the person who loves you so much..."

Wow, don't you think she should write books? What a special talent she has to be able to be able to put thoughts down on paper like that. And still amazing to me that she cares about me that much. If that doesn't lift a person up, nothing will.

The Best!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day...and also our planned "positive event" day. Having a cyst rupture and cancel plans I've looked forward to = not so positive! BUT, the day actually turned out to be okay. I really do have the best family ever. I can't say it enough. I met my Mom for lunch - so sweet - she asked what I wanted that morning and went to the restaurant early so it was ready on the table when I got there since my lunchbreak always goes by so fast. Despite being in pain, my day after work continued to be great. I have the best nephews ever! I can't believe how big they are getting. They are so smart. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how you feel they make you feel SO good just by being their adorable, innocent selves. They were full of stories about their Valentine's Day parties at school, and just genuinely excited that I was there hanging out. My sister and I took them to the library for the scrapbooking we go to monthly (which by the way is supposed to be for kids and their parents, but up until a few months ago my sister and I would go by ourselves - the lady thought we were real tards, now she says "see you next month" so I guess she just accepts that we will be there, kids with us or not!)...Alex is turning into a "mini-me" of us, which I love and am cherishing every second, because soon he'll only want to do boy things. He wrote "I luv scrapbooking" on his Valentine's Day page he created! I have a lot of friends that would have been irritated that I had to cancel plans (the meditation class we were gonna try), yet again because of health reasons...of course my sister didn't care at all which is so comforting. Its actually hard to explain the relief, I have felt guilty so many times before in situations like this, even though its beyond my control, its great to not have any of those feelings when its with her. My Valentine's Day with my honey is tonight - we're going on a date. I love "my Valentine" so much and can't wait to have some good laughs tonight like always. Our 2nd Valentine's Day as a married couple, that is still fun to say! I'm so glad to be feeling good today! P.S. This picture is of the boys the other night when they were over our house "partying" :) I put this as my wallpaper on my computer and can't stop thinking about how awesome they are so I thought I'd blog about them.

How do you express gratitude?

"Sisters don't need words. They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief. Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs - that can undermine any tale you're telling." ~Pam Brown

This quote is a favorite of mine, and really explains my thoughts about the relationship my sister and I share. Really, my sister is the only one I thoroughly tell all my deep feelings to about this infertility jazz. I can be 110% honest with her and she doesn't think that I may need to be committed to a metal institution or try to paint a pretty picture for me. I'm trying to follow the guide of my books and tell Mike my most inner feelings about this but I don't get much back, and I need to remember that he only gets it to an extent.

My sister knew I am at a turning point with all this: now having the fear of "what if this next step doesn't work?" Its not like we have endless amounts of money to try these next steps multiple times, which has brought on a whole new stress in all this. What does she do? Plans "positive thinking nights"...from now until at least the next appt. with the RE, one day/week she is planning something for us to do that is positive. Our first week was coffee and reading infertility success stories at Borders. This week we are going to our monthly scrap at the library then trying out a meditation class.

How do you thank someone for this? I struggle with that. No one else I know, would be so selfless to do something like this. And its not like its convenient with her schedule. Take this week, for instance, she has to work until at least 8:00pm 2 nights and our class is on a) the night of her all-time favorite show (Lost) and b) on Valentine's Day. Instead of spending it with her kids and husband, she is instead dedicating it to my mental stability :) And really, this is just one thing out of so many that she does. I can go on and on about my thoughts and she does too, not because she feels like she has to, but because it is genuinely on her mind as well. I am really so lucky- I don't think people, in their entire lifetime, experience a friendship like this.