once again...

Well my "feelings" were for nothing. This cycle was just like any other. My stupid body played tricks on me once again. The leg pain - just from those herniated cysts in my back acting up again...the random dream my Mom had and the comment Kyle said out of the blue were just that - random things that meant absolutely nothing at all. My overall weirdness probably from all these palpatations I'm having and I realized my blood pressure is really high for some reason. I honestly haven't had hope like I did this month in a long time. I have so much anger I don't even know what to do with it. It is much easier to be angry than sad, I know that. But my anger isn't just general - it is towards myself. I have beat everything health related these past 5 years and after 14 months can't "beat" infertility. I know there are tons of people that go through this, etc. etc. and that does help to some extent but I don't want to hear that (hence why I only talk to a couple of people about this and why my blog is for me right now). The fact is that I have always dreamt of having a baby someday and now that we're ready for that step in life, it has not yet been achieved after so long. I will crawl into my bubble for the weekend and dig deep for some more coping skills and will function until I conjure up some more hope for next time.

Feelings

Well I haven't told anyone, not even Mike or my sister, what my current feelings are and since I'm the only one that reads this blog right now I need to get it out...that way if none of these feelings are true, well then I only have me to think that I'm ridiculous. This cycle has been really wacky - at first I didn't think I even ovulated...then I did, late, and it was weird...my temperature was .4 degrees lower than my usually post-ov. temps...then 3 days ago it rose again - .4 degrees. At first I thought nothing of it, then when it was still high this morning I googled it and basically said that sometimes triphasic temps mean pregnancy...now I don't want to compare anything to the last time I was pg since that wasn't viable BUT I "thought" my cycle then was wacked out too. I'm a rambling fool but do all these "coincidences" this month mean anything? My Mom had a vivid dream that I had a baby girl, I was a crazy weirdo after the appointment with the Infertility Dr. last week then all of the sudden was at peace with things, last night Kyle, while we were playing randomly bursts out with "you're gonna have a baby" then goes back to playing and says nothing more...I have a rollercoaster of emotions each cycle when I'm in the "2 week wait" period but this has been very different. I had a feeling of a lead balloon in my abdomen all last week which led to weird, strong cramping - which yesterday I thought was leading to my . but then today - temp. still high and cramps are now in my left leg also...a similar feeling of last time with the whole leg thing! A comfort to me is obviously I have enough Progesterone in me this time so that is not a worry, although I will have that checked whenever I do happen to be pg just to be sure. This had lead to a novel and I am so rambly but I had to get it out. I no longer think of "jinxing" myself while talking about pg. anymore, its more that I feel dumb and repetitive so I try keeping it in more than I used to. At lunch I'm going to the $1 store and buying pg. tests. If my temperature is high tom. morning I am taking one. If not, then I'll probably buy a bottle of wine, wallow in my pity for a few days, then get myself together, renew my hope, and move onto our next step. The next step for us will be to have blood tests, ultrasound, and mock cath. at next cd 3, SA test for Mike, then back to specialist - if all is normal we will do IUI...scary stuff but can't let myself think about that, just need to stay positive. Maybe in a few days I will be able to come back on here with amazing news. Such wishful thinking when I take a step back and think about it...but maybe, just maybe a miracle is in store for us!!!! And it truly would be a miracle...trying for 13 months with help for the past several and what if we did it all on our own (this was a non-Clomid cycle)?! I can't even imagine!!!

Anxiously Waiting

At first I was scared to go see the specialist and was okay with waiting a few weeks to go. Its crazy how emotions change so quickly. Now, I'm anxious and wishing it was Wednesday today. I'm no longer scared and just want to get started with our next step. Today is day 21 of this cycle. I don't think I even ovulated this time, which makes sense b/c I'm not on Clomid this month...but it just confirms that I am very ready to get going with whatever is recommended. I go for bloodwork today, it will be interesting to see what my progesterone levels come back at since I have no cyst and no ovulation this cycle. But with how things go with me, I probably have ovulated and have cysts. ha!

I often wonder if/how much Mike thinks about all this. Ya, we talk about it and I know how he feels, but does he think about it like I do? Yesterday morning we had just woke up and hadn't talked yet. We were both just laying there with our eyes open. He then started talking about this thing he heard on the radio about couples that have been trying to have a baby for a long time, etc. It was so nice to hear, confirmed that he thinks about it randomly too. He wants a baby just as much as I do - I said to him once something like well its not like you've dreamt of having a baby since you were little like I did. He said well yes, actually I have. Through all this it is nice to know that we are on the same page. It helps slightly.

My records are at the specialists' office waiting for us, I have to pick up my HSG films tomorrow then we're set to go!

Info for RE

I initially planned on starting this blog when we got pregnant but I need to have all these dates straight and am tired of documenting in my phone so I thought I'd just start the blog just for me and later I will give the address out to people once I have something worth telling others! For now, I just need to have this as a type of therapy for me I guess you'd call it. I belong to a message board for people trying to conceive and many of my friends on there have a blog and say it helps a ton with keeping track of stuff and they say typing feelings helps emotionally too. I have to get lots of things together to bring to our appointment at the end of the month and when I started thinking of the history I have to bring it was a little fuzzy so this will help me organize...

I think I'm just gonna keep updating what is below b/c its really fast to access. Technology is crazy convienent :)

Dec. 2006: started actively trying to get pregnant, charting waking temps. Began PNV.

• Dec-March 2006 Ovulaed on my own...stopped ovulating in April, endometriosis pain worsening - probable cause of not ovulating anymore
• 8/23/07 Laparoscopy to laser endometriosis & HSG procedure
• 9/04/07 First cycle of Clomid, 50 mg cd 2-6
• + Pregnancy test 10/04/07, confirmed blood test Progesterone level 7, HCG 10
• M/C 10/07/07 - "Implantation error" uterus lining not rich enough due to low Progesterone...put on 200mg Progesterone cd 12+
• 10/12/07 Second cycle of Clomid, 50mg cd 5-9
• 11/07/07 5cmx9cm cyst on left ovary, have to stop Clomid
• 12/05/07 Third cycle of Clomid, 50mg cd 2-6
• 12/27/07 Another cyst on left ovary, have to stop Clomid again
• 1/23/08 Appointment with Dr. Ashraf/Dr. Abuzeid, infertility specialists, bring lap reports/HSG films/monthly lab work/TTC history. DR APPT: No more Clomid - will run tests on Mike and I and go from there
• 2/04/08 Cd3 bloodwork: full lab
• 2/04/08 Mike: SA
• 2/13/08 Ultrasound and mock cath...MOCK CATH: went well, ULTRASOUND: 1 large cyst on left ovary, a smaller on on the right...pressure from ultrasound irritated them- large cyst on left ruptured 2/14
• 3/06/08 Follow-up *a plan!* appt. with "miracle worker" :)

3/06 appointment:

1. Mike: all good :)
2. me: probable polycystic ovaries, all other bloodwork & tests normal, 4% chance of getting pg on our own due to past history and endometriosis, 15% chance with IUI, 50% chance with IVF...Dr. ordered more blood tests and put me on new prenatal vitamin and metformin 500mg 2x/day for POS.
3. Going to do IVF! Next cycle take BCP then will start IVF the following cycle-around May.

• 3/28 cd1
• 3/31 start bcp
• 4/10 IVF training class